Why Trump’s disavowal of the KKK is enough for some – and never enough for others.

I was struck with the closed-minded vitriol of Van Jones in his heated exchange with Jeffrey Lord on CNN on March 1, 2016. My impression of the exchange is that Mr. Jones is offended by the reaction of a certain candidate who was endorsed by a certain group.

“I can affect change by transforming the only thing I ever have control over in the first place, and that is myself.” ~ Deepak Chopra

 

First of all, the Ku Klux Klan is as offensive to most black people as the swastika is to Jewish people, especially when the last documented lynching of 19-year old Michael A. Donald occurred in 1981. Racial resentment has been an infected wound which refuses to heal, in part, because those who carry the torch of resentment keep digging at the wound instead of allowing it to heal and develop scar tissue, which is far tougher and stronger than the broken skin.

Before you make a snap judgement about me, know that I am a woman of color. My mother is Korean. I can only trace back my Korean heritage as far as my great-grandparents, partly because of the language barrier and partly because with the onset of the Korean War, where I’m fairly certain a good portion of my family was stuck in the north. And my father’s side is Irish, where the aggrandized “indentured servant” really means slavery; where King James VI made the Proclamation of 1625 to sell Irish prisoners to English settlers in the new world.

Here’s my question: How many generations of separation does it take to look at one’s heritage before you can say, “Oh, well, that sucked. Moving forward”?

Listen, I’ve been called “chink” and “gook” and told to go back to my country up until I was about 22-years old…by black people, of all beings. And yet, I do not hold all black people accountable for the bad behavior of a few. I don’t hate England because of Irish slavery. And, well, even if Kim Jong-un is a creepy, narcissistic dictator, I don’t hold him personally responsible for the separation of 60,000+ families during the Korean War.

As the first-generation born on American soil from my mother’s side, and third-generation born on American soil from my father’s side, I have an emotional disconnect from the grave injustices experienced by my ancestors. And it does suck what happened – but I don’t live in that reality. I choose not to be held in a catatonic state of perpetual outrage. It’s in my history – but not my story.

So, going back to Van Jones’ censure of Donald Trump… The condemnation would be deserved if Trump actually wore the hood. Can we simply agree that his disavowal of the KKK is appropriate enough? Trump cannot possibly have the same emotional or visceral response of a black person because of an imposed endorsement. It would be ridiculous to expect him to have any level of righteous indignation on that subject matter. To demand an intrinsic response is just as prejudiced.

That being said: I have no historical ties to the KKK and I have absolutely no reason to disavow them – but do not mistake that for condoning them either. There is a huge difference and I think we need to recognize the distinction.

 

Citations

CNNs Van Jones, Jeffrey Lord launch into fiery debate. http://www.cnn.com/2016/03/01/politics/jeffrey-lord-van-jones-cnn-debate/index.html

Divided Koreans prepare to meet after lifetime of separation http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/oct/19/korean-family-reunions-separation

In the Bad Old Days, Not So Long Ago http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/13/arts/television/13lynch.html?_r=0

Abuse of Power – Why I will never endorse Hillary Clinton

As an Independent Undecided in the forthcoming presidential elections, I felt compelled to voice an opinion that I feel very strongly about: Why I will never endorse Hillary Clinton. Why, in fact, I would vote for anyone but her. Abuse of power.

According to BusinessDictionary.com, abuse of power is defined as “The act of using one’s position of power in an abusive way. This can take many forms, such as taking advantage of someone, gaining access to information that shouldn’t be accessible to the public, or just manipulating someone with the ability to punish them if they don’t comply.”

Notably, my issue really stems from the allegations of sexual misconduct by former President Bill Clinton. Well! You may argue, what does that have to do with HRC?

It has everything to do with Hillary, dear reader. In an interview on the Today show, January 1998, Mrs. Clinton vehemently defended her husband saying: “the President has denied these allegations on all counts, unequivocally… The real story here, for anybody willing to tell it and write about it, and explain it is this vast right-wing conspiracy that has been conspiring against my husband … Some folks are going to have a lot to answer for.”  (G. Sheehy, 1999)

And then there’s this 60 Minutes interview where they both lied to Steve Kroft and the world about the affair with Gennifer Flowers.

 

Then there was Monica Lewinsky.  He pledged he “did not have sexual relations with that woman.” That woman.  Prior to that, back in 1978, there was a woman by the name of Juanita Broaddrick, a nurse who was campaigning for Bill Clinton in his bid to be governor, who claimed he raped her. And where was Hillary? She was standing by her man.

So, do we blame the wife for the sins of the husband? In this case, my answer is a resounding YES. Listen. I was once married to a cheater. I divorced him because it was a serial problem that I would not accept in my life anymore. I never blamed the slew of women. But Hillary has. Herein lies my argument.

Abuse of power. Inappropriate fraternization.

Example 1: Correctional Officers & Prisoners

A C.O. may be immediately terminated and face charges of sexual assault if found having sexual relations with prisoners. But if they are both consenting adults, why is that wrong? Because the correctional officer has a position of power. They have the ability to exact harsher punishment or show favoritism.

Example 2: Civilian Managers & Employees

Check the HR manual for just about any company and there will be fraternization policies that are often strictly enforced for fear of nepotism, which may lead to huge lawsuits.

Example 3: POTUS & Subordinates

From the U.S. Army Command Policy on fraternization: Commanders should seek to prevent inappropriate or unprofessional relationships through proper training and personal leadership. Commanders have a wide range of responses available should inappropriate relationships occur. These responses may include counseling, reprimand, order to cease, reassignment, or adverse action. Potential adverse action may include official reprimand, adverse evaluation report(s), nonjudicial punishment, separation, bar to reenlistment, promotion denial, demotion, and courts martial. Commanders must carefully consider all of the facts and circumstances in reaching a disposition that is warranted, appropriate, and fair.  (cited from http://www.apd.army.mil/pdffiles/r600_20.pdf )

As the Commander-In-Chief, the president must be held to a greater moral standard. He is the leader of the free world and head of our military men and women. Bill Clinton was impeached by the House of Representatives for perjury and obstruction of justice. Hillary is no innocent. She most certainly was aware of his affairs. She vehemently deposed his victims. She remained at his side…as was her choice. But what was the punishment for her lies and deflections?

This tells me three things about Mrs. Clinton:

1. She is no friend to women.
2. She will dance around issues without facing them.
3. She will lie to your face to protect her own interests.

Now, I’m no prude, but I do have a moral compass. Sadly, Hillary Rodham Clinton is nowhere on my radar. In fact, the only thing we have in common is being born a woman.

And finally, to respond to her quote a la Benghazi, “What difference, at this point, does it make?”

 

It makes all the difference in the world to me. My vote is: Anyone But Hillary.

 

I Will Never Drop You – A Memory of my Dad in his Final Days

It was one morning in May, 2010 when I get a panic phone call from my mother. My mother is an undeclared Ice Queen and always reserved. For her to call me crying and upset brought the chill cold fingers of fear around my heart. Did dad die?

I couldn’t think of it but I couldn’t understand what mom was hollering about either. I gathered myself and calmly told her that I would be right over. I only lived a mile down the road. When I arrived at their house I could hear my mother hollering and my father, who had lost his ability to speak but he could grunt in some twisted yelling/panic conversation. I ran into the master bedroom where all the commotion was and my mother is crying, her face contorted in a painful kind of helplessness.

“What’s wrong? What’s going on?” “I can’t get your father out of the bathroom! I told him to use the pan but he REFUSED and now I can’t get him out of there.” “Okay. Did he fall in the shower – is he on the floor?” “NO,” she wailed, “he’s on the toilet and he won’t let me help him up! I can’t help him! I don’t want him to fall. And HE’S FIGHTING ME!” I walked into the bathroom and see dad sitting there. His eyes were spitting mad because his body was giving up on him. “Mom and I are going to help you up and back to bed, okay?”

We tried pulling him up but he fought back. It clicked – his legs aren’t going to support himself. With my mother screaming at him and my father howling with unimaginable indignation I let go of his arm and yelled at them both to shut up. I kicked mom out of the bathroom and turned my attention to dad.

He always had a strong front for my mom – but whenever we talked he would confide in me.
Once mom left the room I saw the defeat in his eyes. But I was NOT going to give up.

Straight off I said, “Dad – I can’t carry you and I’m not going to try but I am going to put you on my back.” I turned around and presented my back and squatted so he could get leverage on my shoulders.
Holding his arms I stood back up and he was able to get on his feet. He got nervous because he started pulling at me, choking me like a panicked drowning man.

Very calmly I said, “Dad. DAD! If you pull me we will both fall down. Don’t fight – just lean on my back. If you work with me we’ll get you to bed. You have to trust me. I will never drop you but you have to help me. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

His grasp loosened and I was able to leverage his armpits over my shoulders while he rested on me. “Now one step at a time, okay?”

22 steps later, with my mother clucking, wiping him up, and pulling up his sweatpants the entire way, we finally got him settled in. He was exhausted. With a kiss on his forehead I said, “See? I told you I wouldn’t drop you.”

I couldn’t stay longer than that. The adrenaline had left my body and I didn’t want to let him see how upset and shaken I was. The man who used to toss me into the air and catch me; who taught me how to ride a bike and drive a car; who insisted I learn how to change a tire and replace a toilet was too weak to walk or wipe himself. I cried for the longest mile drive I have ever taken. When I got home I hid under my bed covers and bawled like a baby. It was the last time my dad got out of that bed – thus began the business of dying.

My September 11th Story: The News – Where’s Dad? – A Grieving Community

It was the morning of September 11, 2001 – a morning like most others.  At the time, I was divorced with three small children and living with my parents.  That morning, I put my oldest on the school bus and began to prepare breakfast for the two little ones.

Normally, I do not watch television.  I happened to be flipping the channels when I saw the newscasters giving their daily offering when in the background I heard a loud BOOM and saw smoke coming from one of the Twin Towers.

I saw the confusion as the reporters turned in their seats from atop the…  I think it was the Chrysler Building.  There was speculation – was it a small plane that hit the building?  In the back of my head I knew it was much bigger.  Small cessnas did not make such a BOOM.  Reports began flying in – but no one knew what was really going on.  Distant sirens could be heard from the street through the television.

Suddenly, from the right of the TV screen I saw another plane.  It was strangely low in the sky.  And on live television I saw it fly into the other building.  I don’t remember breathing but I remember being very confused.  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

Close ups of the devastation started coming over the tube as cameras were zooming in.  From afar I saw the Twin Towers on fire.  Strangely, I felt a sense of pride that they withstood such a beating!

Word came across:  they were passenger planes.  I was transfixed on the TV.  I could feel my heart beating like a dull thud in my chest.  Tragic.  Terrible.  Beyond Words.  My sole focus remained on The Towers.  They were still standing.  We’re going to be okay.

But then it started to crumble…  Tower Two was tumbling down!  In my head, all I could do was scream silently.  Screaming out loud would have scared my babies.  One tower was left.  Goddammit.  We still had one…until that too began to crumble.

I fell to the floor.  No.  NO.  NOOO!!!

It was all I could repeat.

I reached for the phone and called my father’s office.  He commuted to New York City every morning, taking NJ Transit to the PATH trains; his last stop – the basement of the World Trade Center.  From there he usually walked about six blocks to his office building.  Oh fuck!  Where’s dad?  Where’s my dad?!

Phone lines were busy.  No one was getting through – not even to make a local call.  I tried desperately to call into the city – reach my father.

Newscasts showed falling debris prior to the building collapses – but it wasn’t debris.  No…  They were PEOPLE.  People who would rather jump to their death than burn in the fire.

The television was in an incessant loop:  the impact, the smoke and fire, the rumble of the earth; the clouds of smoke and ash; debris and people falling.  Buildings gone.  People covered in ash clawing their way out of the city…and I still had not heard from my father.  I was glued to the television.  Was he one of the pasty people, shell-shocked and trying to make sense of the inconceivable?

Back at home, people drove to school to pick up their children – a need to be closer to them because there was going to be bad news – not on a national level – but a real, personal level.  A whole lot of loved ones were not coming home again.

My town is 40 miles north of New York City.  Our community is laced with NYC Firefighters, EMTs and Police, doctors, nurses, military, white and blue collar workers – we have them all.

With children close to our breast, we all waited for news; waited for the phone lines to clear up and make a connection.  Still there was nothing.

It was after 5 PM.  My father had borrowed a stranger’s cellphone to tell us he was okay.  I say “stranger” loosely because everyone in the city that day became brothers and sisters.

I was so relieved to hear from dad that I threatened to kill him.  Ha!  Why do we do that? 

He was one of thousands that walked to the ferry boats transporting them to the Jersey side.  Transportation out of the city was still being figured out – but he was safe and he would be home soon.  Soon was about midnight.

I was lucky.  My father came home that day – but I will never forget, for weeks to come, the hundreds of obituaries that filled our newspaper – all local men and women – all innocent people who went to work like any other day.

In our small town of people, we lost five firefighters.  The picture is the Washingtonville Five Memorial.  In addition to the granite memorial of the 5 firefighters, there are memorial bricks laid in the shape of a Maltese cross (the fireman’s cross), and a “Walkway of Heroes” with messages from loved ones and an aggrieved community.

The five firefighters are:  Battalion Chief Dennis Devlin; Lt. Glenn Perry; firefighters: Robert Hamilton, Gerard Nevins, and Mark Whitford.

We Will NEVER Forget

Talk To me NOT AT me

Many times there is a breakdown in communication and a purposeful lack of understanding because we are so busy thinking about our next argument that we don’t LISTEN to what the other person is saying.

What does this have to do with the title Talk TO me – not AT me? Well – they walk hand in hand with each other. Let me explain.

There are times when you are going to have a verbal disagreement with someone. Many times the “fight” becomes unfair because instead of dealing with the real issue, you’re busy slinging hash, name calling, bringing up old history, or laying blame. It’s a method of deferment – and it’s dirty pool.

Effective listening requires shutting your mouth and not talking over the other person. It also means you need to actively LISTEN to what the other party is saying. You do NOT have to agree with that they’re saying but at least you are letting them express themselves. This also means stop thinking about a rebuttal before they’re finished speaking because if you do that then you may only be hearing half of what they’re saying.

I would challenge all of you to really think about how you speak to others (or how others speak to you) when you are in a verbal repartee. Note the difference in the following examples:

1. “I do not like how you’re talking to me” vs. “You’re an asshole.”
2. “I don’t understand what you mean” vs. “You’re always so vague!”
3. “I feel like I’m always doing all the work” vs. “You don’t do sh** around here.”

Recently I showed displeasure when my husband kept leaving his beer & soda cans strewn throughout the house.
“I feel like I can’t keep up between working from home and cleaning up after you and the pets.”
His reply, “Oh, like you don’t make a mess?”

I wanted to throw something at him! So I tried again.

“I’m just trying to say that I would like a little help around here.”
With much fanfare and dripping sarcasm he walks over to the recycling bag, “Look, HONEY. I’m putting my can in the bag.”

— except he didn’t drain and rinse it first (which he sees me doing all the time).

Passive-Aggression anyone?

From there I usually shut up or call him an asshole.

The point that I’m trying to get through is this – when having a discussion with someone, do your best to omit the words “YOU” because it’s like a big, verbal, poking finger. Instead implement the words “ME, MY, and I” to express YOUR feelings. Keep your ears open to see if they are speaking TO you or AT you too.

As for my husband? Well, he’s a work in progress but he’s getting better. He just needs a little more practice.

August 19: Groucho Marx

He started his stage career at the tender age of 15 but many of his early traveling gigs left him penniless, abandoned, and far from home. In one instance, his acting partner took off with the pay and left him stranded in Colorado. He earned enough working at a grocery store to get back home.

Mama Minnie groomed her children for stage success, often performing with them as well! With a fairly large family to support, she figured prosperity would come through her kids.

Julius performed with his brothers, Leonard, Adolf and Milton, but when Milton answered the call of World War II, youngest brother, Herbert, joined the team. He credits Art Fisher, the vaudeville performer/monologist, for giving their stage names: Julius “Groucho”, Adolf “Harpo”, Leonard “Chico”, Milton “Gummo”, and Herbert “Zeppo”

So how did Groucho get that mustache anyway?

Well, he was running late for a performance of “I’ll Say She Is” and didn’t have time to glue his mustache on in time for his stage queue so he grabbed some black grease paint and slathered on a mustache. Realizing how quick and easy that was, he insisted on keeping it.

Stage productions of “Cocoanuts” and “Animal Crackers” were followed by movie remakes and they had very reasonable success, however, the grueling schedule nearly sent Leonard into a nervous breakdown. In 1929, they had devastating financial losses in the stock market crash.

Groucho continued to work in radio, had several guest appearances on various shows and wrote books. His radio show “You Bet Your Life” made the transition to television and he hosted and amused audiences for 11 years.

Now, he and his brothers produced one of their most popular movies, “A Night at the Opera” in 1935, and they had a string of other movies, but none as popular as Opera.

Now, with his quick wit and whip of a tongue, he had no qualms about expressing his political views, and Groucho found himself being investigated for being a communist on the FBI shortlist during the 1950s.

When Marx Brothers became popular again in the late sixties/early seventies Groucho made a comeback with a show in Carnegie Hall in 1972.

In 1972, he returned to the stage with a one-man show at Carnegie Hall. Being in his 80s at the time, his voice wasn’t as strong, but he delighted audiences anyway. In 1974 he was awarded a special Academy Award for his work on stage and in movies.

Here are five of his memorable one-liners:

• “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
• “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
• “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”
• “If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!”
• “Don’t look now but there’s one man too many in this room and i think it’s you.”

Sadly, declining in health, both mentally and physically, he remained in a Los Angeles hospital for nearly two months before pneumonia took his life on this day, August 19th. The year was 1977.

An Impossible Decision – Which Would You Choose?

One night, my husband and I were talking about impossible decisions.  And this is one which we vehemently disagree.  I’m curious to see how you all respond.  Note:  This is not to undermine a very real situation but perhaps to open a dialogue with those you love who need to know exactly how you feel and how you would react.

Here is the situation:

There is a young couple very much in love. Great communication, great sex, best friends…

She is quite healthy. Hardly sick a day in her life. She is also very pregnant and about to give birth to a child who, for the entire pregnancy, is also very healthy. All seems to go well with delivery… until it doesn’t go well.

Mother is bleeding out. Only one will survive. The doctors approach the husband with the impossible choice:

a) save the mama or b) save the baby

CHOOSE OR THEY BOTH DIE

Solar Flares and How They Affect You

If you visit the NASA site or do a search for “solar flares” then you will see the beauty of this phenomena. They are amazing to witness. NASA has The Solar Dynamics Observatory which keeps its lens on the sun and they have video of these emissions. Perhaps your perception of the sun is just this warming yellow ball in the sky, but a closer examination shows how powerful and ever-changing the sun is!

You may have heard of solar flares in the past few years. I’ve always found them fascinating, but do you know how they can affect you? Do you even know what they are?

Without getting too in-depth with research and cosmic talk, solar flares are bursts of radiation from the sun. According to NASA, the harmful radiation from the sun will not penetrate the Earth’s atmosphere to harm us BUT it can affect the level of atmosphere where GPS and communications satellites hover.

NOAA (the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration) has a Space Weather Prediction Center, which can be found at spaceweather.gov, which includes space weather forecasts and alerts.

There are levels of intensity for solar flares: A-class (low), B, C, M, and X being the most powerful. As I understand it – they increase at ten times the power. So, to quote NASA: “an X is ten times an M and 100 times a C. Within each letter class there is a finer scale from 1 to 9.”

Solar flares are usually associated with solar magnetic storms, better known as CMEs (or Coronal Mass Ejections). Let’s review that: coronal means ‘of the crown or front face’ – mass is ‘of one body with no definite shape’ and ejection — do I really need to give you a definition? Put it together and you’ve essentially got the sun spitting at space.

SOLAR MAXIMUM. Sounds scary right?
Well… They are geomagnetic storms with a side of radiation that increases in strength. Before you freak out and think the end is near, I’m telling you right now you’ve probably lived through a few already. They are cyclical and happen about every 11 years, and then wane in strength to what is called a Solar Minimum, and generally marked by the increase or decrease of sun spots.

How does it affect you then?
As mentioned earlier, our satellites orbit in the Upper Atmosphere. Magnetic waves and radiation will affect them, and possibly put our astronauts in further danger. But here on the ground, if our internet or satellite connections go out, if our cell phones stop working, and our networking, banking, and communications go black, then the majority of us are totally screwed.

Did you know that NASA and NOAA give electric companies and airline pilots space weather warnings? Consider that the next time you fly (sorry, frequent flyers).

And just so you are assured that you have survived, I’m glad to tell you that in May of 2013, there were three X-class solar flares within a 24-hour period: and X1.7, X 2.8, and an X 3.2.

You seem to be doing fine though – right?

August 17: Ira Gershwin – Lyricist & Businessman

On December 6, 1896, Israel Gershowitz was born on the lower east side of Manhattan, the eldest of four children to Russian Jewish immigrants, Morris Gershovitz and Rosa Bruskin. The boy would later have world music acclaim under the name Ira Gershwin.

Ira was, by all account, bookish, and he meandered from job to job, from steam roll attendant to a theater reviewer. He seemed to be leaning more toward bookkeeping when his younger brother, George, prompted him to write lyrics for one of his compositions. The first appeared in 1918 in Ladies First.

Ira wrote several songs under the pen name Arthur Frances, but didn’t have stage success until 1921, when he provided lyrics for the critically acclaimed show To Little Girls in Blue.

George and Ira finally collaborated on another major work, I’ll Build a Stairway to Paradise, followed two years later with Lady, Be Good! They spent the next decade writing Broadway musicals, operettas and vaudeville. In 1927, they wrote Funny Face.

In 1928, the Gershwins stopped in Vienna, London, and Paris thus becoming the inspiration to An American in Paris. In 1932, Ira was awarded a Pulitzer Prize for the score “Of Thee I Sing” with George Kaufman and Morrie Ryskind. This was the first Pulitzer awarded for music.

If the Gershwin brothers thought they were at the top of their game, they launched into the stratosphere with the 1935 release of Porgy and Bess. Almost exclusively African-American, George and Ira insisted on hiring solely black singers for the parts. Considering the time when white actors donned “blackface” this was progressive, to say the least.

Once Porgy and Bess took off, it became a motion picture and the Gershwin Brothers were now spending a good portion of time in Hollywood working on They Can’t Take That Away From Me, Long Ago and Far Away, and The Man That Got Away.

Upon George’s death in 1937, Ira dedicated his time to preserving his brother’s legacy. His dream was to preserve the music for future generations. Consider that musical stage productions of Porgy and Bess still pack audiences!

From 1940 through 1946, Ira wrote and collaborated with celebrated musicians and artists but his farewell to stage was Park Avenue. Rather than retire, he spent the rest of his days working on the family archive with historian, Michael Feinstein.

In the Library of Congress is the Gershwin Room where George’s piano and Ira’s typewriter are displayed. To list the songs would be ridiculously long, but I am going to list a few of my favorites:

• My One and Only
• S’Wonderful
• I Got Rhythm
• Embraceable You
• I Got Plenty O’ Nuthin’
• I’ve Got A Crush On
• You Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off
• And my ultimate favorite: Summertime

Oh, there are so many more! Basically, all you have to do is look up American Songbook and you’ll see their greats performed by some of the greatest performers.

Ira Gershwin died on this day, August 17th in Beverley Hills, California. He was 86 years old. The year was 1983.

The Silent Treatment. When to use it and when not to!

All of us, at some point in our life, has either been the recipient or the presenter of THE SILENT TREATMENT. No one really likes it but we have to admit, it can be used as a powerful tool to close a deal or get one’s way. But it can be a symptom of a communication/relationship breakdown.

PART 1:  WHEN THE SILENT TREATMENT IS EFFECTIVE

ONE:  As a parent I admit I am a yeller. I yell, and Yell, and YELL! My kids are used to the yelling. Most of the time I’m just being vocal because I’m frustrated, and they don’t listen to the yelling. It’s just white noise to them.

But when I’m angry! Really, really angry… I get quiet… and then they’re scared because that silence is LOUD. Generally, their behavior snaps to good, they clean up, and they’re trying to make mom happy again because mom’s silence is SCARY. They’ll say anything to get you to talk “You still love me, don’t you, mommy?”

TWO:  Closing the deal. Whether you’re a salesperson or selling an idea to your spouse, the silent treatment is an absolute must-have skill because the first one to speak generally caves in.

Example 1:
salesperson: So what do you think?

customer: [silently thinking “how will I explain the motorcycle purchase to my wife?]

salesperson gets nervous: “We can take an extra 10% off for being a loyal customer

customer: [silence. 10% off, I can justify that to my wife] salesperson nervous about losing the sale gives other incentives…and his commission isn’t nearly as good.

The salesman caved because he spoke first.

Example 2:
salesperson: So what do you think?

customer: [silently thinking]

salesperson: [silently waiting tick tock, tick tock]

customer: I’ll take it.

DEAL CLOSED.

Example 1:
child: Mommy, can I have that shiny new Tonka truck, please?

mom: No. I don’t want to spend the money.

child: [Throws a tantrum, makes a lot of noise. Mother is TICKED!]

DEFINITELY NO TOY

Example 2:

child: Mommy, can I have that shiny new Tonka truck, please?

mom: No. I don’t want to spend the money

child: [forlorn but quietly accepts the decision. He’s sad but he smiles with hope in his eyes every time you look his way.]

mom: SIGH you’ve been so good. Go ahead and get your truck.

WIN FOR THE KID!

Tell me I’m wrong?

In these cases, the silent treatment gives the other party time to think about the decision. Too many people are uncomfortable with the silence. They need an immediate answer or instant gratification so they talk first to plead the case. Little do they realize they are sabotaging themselves.

Now in the case of sample B: with the little boy. Even if mom sincerely couldn’t afford the toy right then and there, you can bet she was probably thinking how much he deserved it for being so good so the next trip out she might surprise him with it. Am I wrong?

PART 2: WHEN THE SILENT TREATMENT IS BAD

As I mentioned in Part 1, we’ve all used the Silent Treatment to close a sale or get our way, but there are times when this powerful tool is used for evil.

Q: How can being silent be bad?
A: When there is a lack of communication or relationship breakdown.

When people are in a relationship one would hope they’ve learned how to meaningfully communicate with each other. Sometimes this is not the case.

A case of the empty nest: An example might be two very busy people with jobs, kids, house duties…and they haven’t REALLY spoken to each other in years except to pass off messages: Pick the kids up from school; Please pick up milk on your way home, etc. Then once the kids are gone you have nothing to talk about. Sometimes that silence is unbearable.

A case of emotional abuse: A: When in the midst of a discussion and it gets heated, especially when there is a disagreement, and one person turns away and gives the silent treatment/cold shoulder – it is a break in communication. It is a physical manifestation of denying the existence or opinions of the other person. Said that way, it’s hurtful when that happens, isn’t it?

If you feel like you’re being nagged and you ignore them because you KNOW it drives them crazy. You have stopped communicating and now you are being passive-aggressive.

But how is being quiet wrong?
1. Perhaps because you are not dealing with the reason WHY they might be nagging at you. Perhaps you don’t want to be blamed, acknowledge that you have faults, or feel guilty about not following through on something you promised.

2. Now there is the other scenario where the silent treatment is implemented because you feel like you don’t have a voice in the relationship so you shut up just to get away from “the discussion” as soon as possible.

If you don’t have a voice in a partnership then it is not a healthy one! There is no healthy dialogue and you don’t feel like your opinion counts. If that happens, then your self-esteem plummets.

3. Using the silent treatment as a form of manipulation. For example, at a party: “Well, since my boyfriend isn’t talking to me then I’m just going to ignore him the ENTIRE night. Maybe I’ll just go talk to that cute boy over there.” – or – “If she really cares about me then she’s going to ask what’s wrong.”

The one who plays the silent treatment card is assuming the other person can read their mind.

Guess what?
We can’t read your mind!

HEAL THE COMMUNICATION GAP

To heal the communication gap it’s always best to acknowledge it. “I am too angry to talk about this right now. Let’s try to discuss this when we’re both calm. I need time to think.”

“I don’t feel like you’re listening to what I have to say so I’m going to walk away right now.”

Even a “Please let me know when it’s my turn to talk” is better than shutting up in these cases.

If you are using it for manipulation then acknowledge that! Speak up. “Hey, I don’t feel comfortable standing at the party by myself. Can you introduce me to some of your friends?”

“We should talk” works and be willing to be quiet and actively listen!  It’s much healthier than closing your mouth and your ears!